Friendship break up

We expect our friendships to last forever. But can holding on to a friend do more harm than good?

Have you ever had a friend be obnoxious for the umpteenth time, let you down in a moment of need or offload onto you AGAIN, and thought, ‘why am I even friends with you?’

Sometimes, seeing the friendship has come to a natural end is that simple - a moment in time that encapsulates or marks the end of your journey together. Other times, it’s not as clear. Sometimes it’s just a feeling you get when you’re around them, or about them.

Dr Meg Arroll, psychologist and author, drmegarroll.com says it’s OK to let certain friendships go.

“We have a finite amount of resources - emotional, physical, social - so maintaining toxic friendships not only drains these resources, but means we have less in our 'accounts' for people who enhance our lives.

“Research shows that we on average can only maintain five close friendships at one time, so if an emotional vampire is one of these five, you may want to reflect and ask yourself what are the costs and benefits of giving this person valuable space in your life. If the costs outweigh the benefits, it may be time for a cull as a form of self-care and self-respect.”

Exploring psychology behind friendships, how and why things go wrong, what you can do to fix it or recognising when to let go, I wrote this report for Take a Break magazine. Scroll down past the image for screen-reader friendly text.

We expect friendships to last forever. but can hanging on to a friend do more harm than good?

by Punteha van Terheyden

Do you feel anxious being in touch with a friend, or dread the next catch-up? If so, there might be a toxic undercurrent to your friendship. Understanding why you feel that way – and potentially culling them from your life – could help protect your mental and emotional wellbeing.

A recent study revealed 61 per cent of Brits feel less close to long-term friends, and a fifth of adults with close friends feel their circle has shrunk in the past year.

Psychologist Dr Meg Arroll explains we only have ‘finite resources’ and if a friend is leaving you feeling depleted, it could be time to take a step back and reassess the true value of staying in close contact.

She says, ‘Friendships are so important to us because on an evolutionary level, humans are socials animals and the group itself was once vital to survival. Now, we can physically survive on our own, but our physiology hasn’t evolved as quickly as our technology, and we are biologically hardwired to need people.’

That’s why loneliness has a detrimental impact on wellbeing and why people often have a partner, family groups, close friendships and acquaintances.

Why might you cull a friend?

Dr Arroll says, ‘research shows you can count the number of very close friends you have on one hand. We have a finite amount of time and energy in a single day so we cannot maintain 50 very close friendships. If we’re spending limited resources on a friend who is depleting us, we don’t have space for others who bring fulfilment and support.

‘Women in particular have a biological ‘tend and befriend’ response to maintain group cohesion. If we fall out with friends or think of unfriending someone, it actually triggers a physical stress response.’

Spotting the warning signs

If a friend is undermining you, making you feel drained, judged or humiliated, crosses your personal boundaries or belittles you, these are signs a friendship might be spoiling.

Dr Arroll adds, ‘if you tell them something personal and they say you are being too sensitive, that’s a red flag. Though your friendship may not have started like this, it may have over time become toxic.

‘Other times, there isn’t a toxic element at play. It might be that your priorities have changed (starting a family, getting married), or you might not have that much in common anymore. Drifting naturally is a part of life.’

When to take action

Dr Arroll says, ‘It’s only when a relationship becomes toxic that you might take direct action, because we need other people in our lives. This is why the breakup of a friendship can feel so much more painful and harder than that of a romantic one. They’re usually longer and harder to let go of. You might still work with them or share mutual friends and it can feel awkward. It’s a judgement call.’

Dr Arroll explains you might simply back away from the friend in question. ‘It can serve as a behavioural experiment. If you back off and they stay away, then that’s your answer.’

However, the loss of the friendship can lead to a period of grieving and adjustment so be prepared to feel the loss.

How to talk to your friend about it

‘Alternatively, having a dialogue with the friend would give them a chance to respond,’ Dr Arroll explains. ‘They may not be aware their behaviour is impacting you negatively. You might discover they’re going through something so painful they couldn’t share it with you. That information can give much-needed context to their behaviour.’

A calm conversation could get your friendship back on track. Dr Arroll adds, ‘When having the conversation, use ‘I terms’ rather than ‘you terms’… Instead of you make me feel unsupported, try I’m feeling like perhaps our friendship is drifting. They’re less likely to feel defensive.

‘You might discover you’ve done something unintentionally that’s contributed to the state of the relationship. It’s important to reflect. We all have blind spots. Life is complex and lots of life events happen over the course of a long friendship. They will affect us and nudge us in different directions.

‘Still, it’s OK to trust your gut. Sometimes we just know a dialogue won’t make any difference.’

It’s OK to give it time

Dr Meg says, ‘Culling feels immediate. It’s fine to sit with the idea for as long as you need. But, if the friendship is affecting your mental health, talk to another friend, relative or even a professional. It’s important to share our feelings as the thought of a confrontation might be overwhelming.

‘We spend a lot of times beating ourselves up if a friendship is diminishing. We wonder what have I done? Why is this happening? When you talk to someone else, you can let go of that inner critic and hear an objective view. ‘Friendship is a type of social support and it’s one of the most consistently found predictors of positive mental health, so if you’re not getting that support from a friend, talking to others helps shore up your mental health defences and strength.’

Breaking taboos

Dr Arroll adds, ‘it’s easy to fall into a friendship pattern or dynamic that doesn’t feel as positive as it once did, and we tend to be taken away on that tide - more so than a relationship.

‘The way we perceive friendship is that friends are for life and there’s a lot of societal shame with the breakup of a friendship. It’s still a taboo topic, but in the same way you wouldn’t stay in a toxic, abusive or unhappy romantic relationship, you shouldn’t stay in a a similar friendship.’

• For more, visit drmegarroll.com

 ENDS