Celebrity sex expert's bedroom tips

The ultimate guide to keeping the spark alive in the bedroom, with Hollywood sex Guru Michaela Boehm

The benefits of sex range from slashing stress levels to lowering your risk of cancer and heart attacks.

Michaela Boehm is the best in the business when it comes to offering advice on how to keep the spark alive in marriages.

The intimacy and relationship expert from Austria has spent the last two decades counselling high-profile clients - including Gwyneth Paltrow and Will Smith. Her work involves teaching people to meet adversity head-on and she has recently hit the headlines for recommending couples live apart.

But she doesn't only deal with the rich and famous - as she offers classes in London, Amsterdam, Melbourne, Sydney, New York and LA. 

Here, Michaela breaks down the steps to achieving great sex.

Focus on connection first

WHY? Good sex starts with being connected to yourself and your partner, both physically and emotionally. This isn’t about having a conversation while the TV is blaring in the background, or squeezing in a make-out session between errands.

Connection and intimacy must be a priority.

TRY: Trying the TV off, putting your phones down and having a cup of tea whilst looking at each other. Go for a walk and hold hands, or sit in nature. Simply: any activity you can enjoy together without the interruption of technology.

Be interesting!

WHY? When you’re hoping for a session of intimacy, don’t prelude it with business as usual. There’s nothing interesting about discussing bills, or quibbling over who should take the dog out. Daily hum-drum is boring so trying new things, alone or with your other half, will rekindle the exciting emotions you felt when you first met.

The sparks at the beginning of your relationship were ones born of interest and turned quickly to sizzling attraction. That’s often the problem with a limping sex life – the and mystery you once held for each other is gone because everything is known.

TRY: New things individually and together like going to a museum, trying a new restaurant or a new hobby. Having something new to talk about will reignite the spark quickly.

Don’t waste touch

WHY? People tend to be very casual with touching. If you touch your partner mindlessly throughout the day, their body becomes desensitised to your touch. This works both ways.

A lot of couples hug each other like they’d hug their children, or pat each other in passing. It’s a sign of affection and there’s nothing wrong with it, but it’s not erotic.

TRY: Be conscious of what you’re doing with your hands and try not touching for a day. When you get into bed and touch each other sexually, you’ll feel the difference. Don’t avoid touch all the time, however, only when you’re planning sex.

Praise

WHY? Good sex often starts with feeling acknowledged and connected. In relationships, we tend to complain a lot and seldom praise.

Instead of nagging or pointing out what’s wrong, point out what went well during a day. We often think these positive things, but fail to say it out loud.

TRY: Thanking your other half for picking up the milk and tell them you appreciated it. Or try a simple compliment: ‘I really like how that shirt/dress looks on you.’

You can also point out time spent well together: ‘It was nice sharing breakfast with you.’

DID YOU KNOW? The most important marker of a successful long-term relationship is generosity. Not the financial kind, but of the heart and spirit – saying something nice, making dinner for someone – that builds intimacy and leads to good sex.

Update your sexual skills

WHY? Most of us still produce the kind of sexual repertoire we had when we first learnt how to have sex, which is odd, when you think about it as we update our other skills regularly. It’s wrongly assumed being good at sex is innate, but it’s a skill like any other and has to be learnt.

TRY: Get yourself a book about sex or browse guides online. Many sex toy sites have informative and expert blogs available for free. This is especially important for those in long-term relationships.

REMEMBER: Updating your sex skills doesn’t stem from a deficiency, but a sense of adventure. Read about a technique and give it a go!

WHAT TO DO WHEN…

The spark is gone

A good relationship often comes from having things in common, with both of you pulling on the same side of the rope. This develops over time but as it does, relationships lose polarity – the spark that attracted two opposites together.

But it isn’t a death sentence for your relationship, just a sign you’ve entered a good place of commonality and communication. It’s an easy fix too - be interesting to your partner again! 

Too tired for sex

There is no quick fix on this one. You need to spend time NOT being busy, but that’s hard whilst juggling work, family, household responsibilities and social commitments chewing up every hour.

It’s important to recognise our non-stop lives make spontaneous sex unlikely to happen often. You must make time to address your sexual needs the way you address any other. You wouldn’t go to the dentist without making an appointment, would you?

When you lead a busy life, actively cultivate your sex life.

Be disciplined with time spent on social media – stop mindlessly scrolling. Go to bed earlier and leave your phone downstairs. I have an old fashioned alarm clock on my nightstand.

If you want to have sex in your bedroom, it needs to be a room for sex, sleep and nothing else.

I don’t feel sexy

A lack of sleep, hormonal changes or weight gain often come hand in hand with aging and the rigours of modern life.

Regular exercise will help counter that. I don’t mean spinning classes or intense workouts necessarily, but moving your body, which is your instrument of connection. We experience the sensation of pleasure through our bodies and being sedentary brings a loss of desire.

Regular movement, something as simple as a walk can be beneficial.

This is especially important for women, for whom sex is so much in the mind. Try creating pleasant bodily sensations throughout the day to reconnect your body and mind. Have a fragrant candle or flowers at your desk, or pictures of people you love. Wear something that feels pleasing on your skin. Treat yourself to a luxurious hand-cream and use it often - anything to remind your body it’s alive and capable of experiencing pleasure.

You can’t expect your body to produce an orgasm if you’ve been numb all day!

Something hurts

Most people have unrealistic expectations of what sex needs to be because of porn and social media, but even if you have pain, there are many ways to engage with your partner erotically other than full intercourse.

We might not feel extremely sexual but we’re always capable of feeling sensual, with touching, kissing and holding hands.

If you’re disabled or have physical challenges, educating yourself on different ways of being intimate is key.

Sex is not a one-size-fits-all activity. Part of having great sex is accepting our bodies and our functions as they are. Staying clear of unrealistic expectations is a key step towards having great sex.

ENDS

 

Punteha van Terheyden